My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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