Swine flu. Run for my life!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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