Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
