im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
