is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize