i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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