life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's rum buckets o'clock
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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