If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
