They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
