1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
