He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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