for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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