that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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