I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
