Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
