Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
