getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
