True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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