Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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