I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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