Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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