Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
