I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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