I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
