So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize