Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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