Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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