Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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