Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize