So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize