he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
