i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
