Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
