Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Enjoy the penises
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
