i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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