I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
