wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
