I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
