Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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