My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
