Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
