I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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