Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
