ya dads aren't the best wingmen
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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