I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
