If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
