Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
