so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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