I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You've changed since you got that strap on
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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