Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
