hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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