I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
