there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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