So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
