Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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