I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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