it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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