You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
